select user from dual

Bark Golgafrincham.

So, I wanted to have a secret identity. Not that it, the true one, couldn’t be discovered. I use the same password everywhere, so a little

select first_name,last_name from gmail_users where password = (select password from wordpress_users where username = 'Bark Golgafrincham')

would get you pretty far down the path of discovering who I am. Along with access to my banking and credit card accounts, terse instructions sent from my wife, abusive emails from my wife after said instruction is not followed, emails from my NIT (Nerd-in-Training) son about rooting his Kindle Fire, emails from my daughter telling me what a dork I am and would I please set her up with free texting on her iPod Touch already, emails from my friends asking me for tech advice, and emails sent from me to me about cool developer, gadget or tech news stuff that I want to read about and don’t have a ubiquitous Instapaper capability across all my devices which is more a testament to my laziness than ineptitude.

You’d also find a fair number of emails calling me “wiseass”

select count(m.*) from gmail_message m,gmail_users u where u.password = (select password from wordpress_users where username = 'Bark Golgafrincham') and m.userid = u.userid and upper(m.msg) like '%WISEASS%'

Yes, I could’ve thrown in a regexp in there, but didn’t want to come across as such a know-it-all-tool in my welcome intro.

And before you criticize the implausibility of my SQL, let’s just say that my password is SO unique, there will only be one of its kind. So don’t be a tool.

You could change up that code a little bit and figure out the actual ratio of email messages containing the word “wiseass” to the total number of email messages. I think that would be an interesting new metric that Google could add to GMail.

“Using 2000 MB of your 7356 MB. 127 MB of email refer to you as a wiseass.”

So, on the secret identity… I’ve grown a little wary about the web and my real name and the relationship between the two. Plus, it would be really cool to be found out, becomes it just means someone cares enough.

Also, I don’t want my wife to know what I’m doing.

As to the blog title, that’s just a bit of whimsy. I’m a big D. Adams fan, rest his funny soul.

If you don’t know what a Golgafrincham Ark B is, look it up. I will not presume to paraphrase Adams in any way sufficient to describe his ingenious proposal for ridding a planet of its’ useless inhabitants. Or, presume to describe it in any more detail than that. Note that I am not in favor of ridding this planet of Ark B-types (Golgafrincham clearly had more significant problems than we current face), but I am totally in favor of unremitting mockery of them.

I plan to raise the level of discourse, where possible, where it concerns things that I feel I have some expertise in, or experience with. Other than that, I’m completely uncomfortable commenting on things I know only a little about.